Why is real freedom so freakin’ scary?

I’m trembling. The energy is so strong. I’m on the verge of a jump, but I look into the emptiness and I just… cannot jump. Tears behind me eyes. My mind is tumbling up and down, all over the place, trying to grasp something. But there is nothing to grasp. Oh no! There is nothing to hold onto! I will fall into the emptiness, into nothingness. Like the free fall of a sky dive, but then without the ground that will save me from this endless fall.

“…staying at this same place is not an option anymore.”

The emptiness looks pitch-dark. Nothing to see, no assurance of what will happen next. Nothing to see in the future. Only this moment where I feel I need to jump. No one is pushing me and at the same time everything is pushing me. No way back, I know. Because staying at this same place is not an option anymore. My life is great, yes, but the next step is another dive into the unknown. I need to do this on my own, because there is no one around to hold my hand.

I feel scared and incredibly excited at the same time. Ok, breathe. B.R.E.A.T.H.E. What do I lose? Everything. Or nothing. I love to fly, I love adventure, I love to just go. But this? It feels like a new chapter that is awaiting me. Only me? No all of us. Oh, so I’m not alone… Oh yes, I am. This is my dive. I feel like I’m being centrifuged, like blown into a tunnel of my previous years of this life. Everything is passing to say goodbye. The pictures I see are like people encouraging me to go beyond my limitations. No limits anymore. No control. No box. Nothing to hide. It feels so naked to be naked. I’m scared to loose what I have and to loose all of the control that I have always experienced as my security. But I don’t want these strings anymore, because they hold me back and attach me to something that prevents me from being free. Nothing to hide. Nothing to hide.

Next step
Let me go back to my roots, even though I am scared to feel unrooted when I jump. Scared to loose my body, to loose who I am. But who I am is a bunch of strings around my already accomplished freedom. So this is the next step. Will it be the last? What will remain? I might just disappear… Dissolve into the emptiness. And there is where the peace is. The surrender to the waves of life. Will I be able to breathe in these waves? I might not. Than it is the end. The end of what? Well, the end of everything I used to be.

The time is now, I know. Every cell in my body is telling me this. “Come on, we are with you. Don’t be scared. Feel us”. A big wave of energy flows into my body, like a tsunami that is announcing its inevitable arrival. Should I prepare something? No there is no time for that anymore. It’s just me. It feels like I’m being launched through the birth canal. Naked as a baby. The riping process is over. The world is awaiting my birth. So I’d better surrender to whatever is there for me at the end of this tunnel. Energies around me push me forward. It feels like a bunch of encouraging cheerleaders with a soft but determined purpose. Breathe, breathe. My legs try to stay tight, to controle the dive, but I now feel it only leaks energy. And I’m done with wasting energy. I am ready for the free flow, where I’m floating on the breath of whatever is there in the emptiness.

“The adventure of just going where my heart brings me.”

Whoaaaaa, I am free!
And there it is. I’ve past through the tunnel. I’m flying now like a new born bird in the sky. This is cool! I have wings! My wings grow and I fly without unnecessary force. I feel carried by invisible winds. Like rafting on a wild river, but knowing that I will be saved before I smash a rock. Yes! This is what I like! The adventure of just going where my heart brings me. And my wings carry me… and… scary me? No, the fear is gone. My heart bursts open and I am feeling catapulted into a vast and colorful sky. Whooooaaaa, here I come, world, here I come! I am free, completely free! My heart is at peace, my mind is at peace. I am home. And I see I’m not the only one here. Time to play!


Credits artist: Creativa Images (shutterstock.com)